Saturday, September 17, 2016

Can I Runaway?

I'm not getting stronger.. not even braver. I just want to end this. Every time I close my eyes, I know that I don't need this anymore. There's no passion, no interest at all. I should've known it since the first place. Let me finish this, please. I won't ask for more, just let me do it. I can't even breath properly ever since. Everyday at home, there's no other questions. Every time when I met my friends, there's no other topics. I'm sick of hearing the same shits. We all knew that saddest thing, seeing parents crying. It will be more depressing when you know that you're the reason behind their tears. Mom. I can't see her crying, I just want to hug her and admit that I'm not even worth to be her daughter. Can I just runaway?

Dad. He doesn't understand what's going on. He didn't knew that I was crying all night long, that I'm afraid to see my old friends, that I'm staying away from my best friends. All he knew is I'm not supposed to be so left behind like this. I'm as bad as a retarded person for him now. I can't say anything, I can't promise anything.

I keep thinking how could this never end. I can't blame anyone but my self. Am I that dumb? Am I that stupid? I knew I'm not that smart but at least.. I deserve better. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to quit. I want to leave this all behind, and get a life. I'm surrounded by people who doesn't understand me. They only knew that I'm good, I'm fine, that everything is okay for me. But deep inside I feel worst, I have no purpose in life. I have nothing as life goals. I have no one to show that I got this. I have no faith on everything. I stopped hoping for bright things. And now I understand, that in this kind of situation, people will agree that.. that suicide is the only possible way to be free.

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